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Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
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10:40 pm
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Hi.
I haven't updated in ages, I know. Most of you have probably deleted me by now lol.
Anyway, I'm doing OK at the moment. I'm still seeing a dietitian, a counsellor and my psychiatrist, and my psychotherapy should start after Xmas. The only thing I worry about is that by then I should be at a normalish weight, and I feel as though I won't deserve the therapy because I'm physically recovered. Does that make sense?
I'm at 46.2kilos, much more than my lowest which was about 39.5kgs. I can see myself as how I really look now, most of the time. I think.... sometimes I think I look thin and sometimes I think I look big. But I think that's normal though. I want so much to get to a weight where I look ok and feel ok and maintain it, but I just think it'll be so hard. Maintaining will be worse than gaining because at least now I have to go up on the scales or my meal plan gets increased. When I'm maintaining I might go up one week or something and get all stressed out and panic again.
I know one thing though, which is I never want to starve again. I'm actually happy with life at the minute, compared to how I was before. I was depressed and miserable, I stayed away from my friends, and I was a bit of a loner. But now, I just feel so much better, I have more friends, I'm enjoying work, and life. I still don't go out to places but that'll come. I can feel myself getting ready for that and being able to cope. I'm going to my work's xmas party in december, a big step for me but I think I'll be OK.
But yeah, I feel great with everything at the minute, besides the anxieties about weight. I don't know how I managed to cope then, when I was starving. I feel dizzy, tired and achy now, so how must I have felt then? My bones hurt now, I'm scared I may get osteoporosis which is a scary thought. My periods haven't come back yet either, they've been gone for over a year now. My hair's growing back though which I'm sooooo pleased about!!! It had started to fall out in clumps, but its coming back now. I'm not so pale and tired looking. I smile!!! Life is so much better at the minute.
Its just, you know, its hard to imagine being free of it. I mean, I feel great now, but its still there. The tempting voice telling me to go back where I was. Its hard, being in the dietitian's office and seeing the new girls come in and being jealous in such an awful way and then feeling ashamed of myself for wanting to be at their weight. I hate seeing thin girls still, wondering how they're like that naturally and wanting to be like that beyond anything else. It upsets me. Mum says I'm still very thin but I don't feel like it at the minute. I worry about what I'll look like at my target weight. I'm going to start digging my heels in at around 108 pounds, and saying no more please!!!
This has been a long post, lol. So see you soon, take care please!!!!!! I care about you all so much, you're all great people and never think otherwise!
Love Emma xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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| Friday, July 14th, 2006
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6:19 pm
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Hi!
I haven't posted in a while, so I've got lots to write.
I'm at my highest weight since I was diagnosed, which seems scary to say but I was 93lbs when I was diagnosed and I'm 94lbs now. In between I have gone down to much lower. I go and see a dietitian now and I've had to really increase my calorie intake, which has been hard but I'm getting used to it bit by bit. I have to eat three meals a day, (breakfast, lunch and dinner), and also two snacks and a supper. The weight gain has been slow. I had four weeks between appointments with Nikki the dietitian and there was only a 300gram increase, lol, which I was happy about but I want to look nice to go on holiday and not have my clothes falling down me like they do now.
The weight target they set me is a bit scary though. Nikki says the lowest healthy weight for my height is 52/53kgs, so I need to gain about 10kilos. But because I wasn't that much before, I'm allowed to negotiate as I get nearer, lol. I don't want to lose weight now but gaining is quite hard too, but I can't stay as I am because I can see now that I look a mess. The bony parts of my body hurt me, esp my back and hipbones so I need to get them covered.
I really hope everyone is OK, please, please stay safe and well, and know that I am here for you if you wanna chat.
Love ya loads, Emma xxxxxxx
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| Thursday, May 18th, 2006
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9:39 am
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Aaaargh. Weigh-in tomorrow. I HATE being weighed, it makes everything so much harder. One minute I'm all resolved and know I must gain if I want to recover and get to a healthy point, but then I think, 'What if I've gained a pound? What will I do?' and panic sets in. I have some old photos of me before I became ill and mum says that is what I will look like when I'm healthy. I don't want to tell her I think I look fat on these photos, because she says I look slim and healthy, but I can't see it. Is there anyone reading who has recovered? If so, please could you tell me how to overcome the fear of gaining weight, because I really don't know how. I'm preparing myself to have gained 3lbs. My mum says this is ridiculous but I don't know, I just have a feeling. I wish I didn't have to be weighed, I think I could beat this quicker then.
Love Emma xxx
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| Monday, May 1st, 2006
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9:30 am
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It was my birthday on Friday (I'm 18 now :-D) and I think it was the turning point in my recovery. I can't believe that that was how I spent my 18th, miserable, depressed, worrying about food, calories and everything. I should have been enjoying myself. I couldn't do what I wanted. I couldn't go out to a restaraunt, because eating in front of others is too hard and I don't trust others to cook for me. I couldn't have a birthday cake because it's extra calories and I would begin to panic. My life is not my own anymore. But I know now that it won't be like that next year. Next year I will celebrate my 19th birthday but also my 18th year as the year when I beat anorexia, because I am so determined to do it. I want to enjoy life and be happy, there are so many things I'm stopping myself from doing. Eating is still difficult but I'm allowed to choose what I eat so I'm not eating anything scary at the minute. My parents are very supportive so I want to do this for them too, not just for me.
To everyone who is still struggling with their ED, take care! Please don't do anything dangerous, I care about you all! I know that making the decision to recover is a difficult one, I resisted intervention from my parents for months before finally deciding I wanted to get well. But I want you to know that should you decide you want to be healthy, I am here for you if you want to talk. My msn address is xEmma2k4x@hotmail.com, so send me an e-mail or add me to your buddy list.
Stay safe, love Emma xxxx
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| Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
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9:22 pm
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Recovery is hard.
I had my meeting with CAMHS two weeks ago but I've been passed on to the adult services instead because I'm almost 18. I'm not allowed to cook my meals, serve my meals, not even allowed to go to the supermarket. They also said if I lost anymore weight I'd go to hospital. I know I have, even if it's not much, but I don't want to go to hospital, but gaining weight is even scarier. My dad thinks that hospital is the only thing that will make me realise how ill I am, because I don't see myself as being ill.
I had a meeting with a counsellor yesterday too, which was helpful. I'm going back in a fortnight.
Then of course there's the eating. I'm definitely not eating 2000 cals, nowhere near, more like 1100 a day, but it's still so much more than I'm used to. I feel like I've gained a stone, even though I've lost more.
Hope you're all OK. You're all in my thoughts, stay safe xxxx
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| Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
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7:42 pm
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Hi!!
I really missed LJ, and all the friends I've made here, so I may come back occasionally and try to avoid anything too triggering.
I went back to work yesterday evening after two and a half weeks off and I realise now I'm not up too it. I'm going back tomorrow to ask for a leave of absense, how long for I do not know. As long as it takes I suppose. I'm really determined to get well and be happy again. I'm so scared of getting fat though, but I guess the counselling will go some way towards getting rid of that fear. I think I'm leaving school aswell, or at least doing my work at home. I need to recover somewhere where I feel safe and comfortable, rather than being all over the place.
Tomorrow is my first appointment with the nurse, where I'll be weighed. I don't know if I want her to tell me how much I weigh or not, like I wanna know cos I might have lost more but I don't in case I've gained.
It's been so emotional though. In one of the books my mum ordered for me, her and my dad there was a poem, and it just summed up everything I've ever felt. I mean, I could have written it. She's got the book right now so I can't write it here but it made me so emotional I just sat there crying with my mum. I love my parents so much, they've made this easier for me.
Good luck everyone, I love you all and you're in my thoughts xxxx
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| Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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9:36 pm
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After much consideration I've decided to go into recovery.
I'm gonna leave here for a while because it is very triggering for me.
I've made some great friends here though and I'm gonna miss you all, I'll never forget all your support and kindness. I wish you all so much happiness and peace in the future xxx
I was nearly passing out last night and something just seemed to click, it's not worth putting myself through hospital. Of course the weight gain is scaring me a lot, I'm terrified of it to be honest. But I've lost more weight since my last weigh in (I'm now 6st4) but I'm gonna get better and be healthy.
Goodluck to all of you, I'll miss you xxx
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| Saturday, February 18th, 2006
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9:26 am
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I got my confirmation letter from CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services ) today. I hate that name, people will think I'm insane when I tell them I've been there, lol. Anyway, I've got to see two doctors with my mum and dad and possibly my brother. I don't want that, how am I supposed to tell them things with my brother there?
My parents are being really supportive now, which makes it harder for me to keep restricting. Dad wants me to maintain the weight I'm at now until the therapy, but I can't, I still want to lose weight. I'm eating under a 1000 cals a day, you can't gain weight on that surely??
I want to get better, but I don't know how to go about it. The fear of gaining weight is still there, I don't think that'll go away for a long time. But my whole family is being really nice and supportive and I hate myself for causing people stress.
One more thing, I think my dad's taking the internet away from us, because of the images of models and celebrities on it and he thinks its affecting me. The only time I'll be able to post here then is in school, so I may not be on here for a while. Hope that doesn't happen though.
Take care lovelies xxx
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| Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
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7:01 pm
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I'm in hell.
I'm being forced to eat 4 times a day. Luckily I'm managing to keep it under 1200 cals, but its still sooooooo much and I feel so fat and disgusting and pathetic.
I fainted while I was having a blood test and my pulse went down to 42 (it should be over 60). My whole family knows now, telling them was so awful. My nan's both cried, I feel so guilty. I've been off school all week, I've got a few weeks off work, we might have to cancel my holidays and I can't go to university. I want to feel better, but I just can't gain weight, I can't. Until my mind is sorted out, ana will stay.
I'm exercising more now to burn off the extra calories. I'll go back to skipping meals over halfterm, it should be easier then because my parents will be sleeping later in the mornings. For now I'm being watched like a hawk.
Anyone got any suggestions for making them think I'm eating? They won't even leave me in the house on my own so I can't pretend to make food anymore. I just hate this, why can't they all leave me alone?
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| Sunday, February 12th, 2006
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7:56 pm
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I've got my blood test tomorrow. I'm not really scared about that, just the results, because if my potasium levels are low then I'll have to go to the hospital, which I don't want. I also might be anaemic and my pulse has slowed aswell.
I hate how my parents are trying to talk to me about it, like they're the doctors and they know everything about what I'm going through. They read on the internet about why ana starts in some people and they're like 'Are you scared of growing up and getting older,' and stuff like that. I don't know why I'm like this. If I did it would be easier to stop and get better but I don't. And I don't want to get better either. They're making me eat four meals today, but I'm gonna go to bed at around half nine or ten so I don't have to eat supper. I made as small a bowl of cereal as I could get away with, and that was about 150 cals, had a teacake for lunch (about 300) and a 350cal dinner, so thats 800cals today, which is just really disgusting. I worked out a lot earlier though, so hopefully I burnt a chunk of that off.
Anyway, I hope you're all doing better than I am. Think thin!
xxxx
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| Friday, February 10th, 2006
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6:45 pm
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I had my appointment. I've been 'officially' diagnosed now and I'm being referred to a counsellor so I can talk about my problems. I weighed 6st 6 with my clothes on, so I might be a little lighter than that even. I've got to go for a blood test on Monday morning to see what the internal damage is.
You wanna know the worst thing? My dad just phoned up to see how it went (he was working this evening) and after asking what the doctor said and what happened he said 'Well, you know now what you need to do, you need to stop being so stupid.' I felt like screaming at him and any bit of self-esteem or confidence I had gained from that appointment was instantly gone. He just has no idea at all. At least my mum has an idea about eating disorders. Dad just thinks I'll eat a chocolate bar, think 'Yum, I've been so daft about not eating all this time,' and I'll be instantly cured.
I don't know what to expect from therapy though. I'm a bit scared about it to be honest.
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| Thursday, February 9th, 2006
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7:33 pm
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So, my mum's making me an appointment at the doctor's tomorrow. I'm really scared, I'm not too sure what's going to happen. Mum said they might take a blood test and I'll be weighed but then what? Me and my mum had a good talk about everything and now I'm confused and all mixed up. I'll update tomorrow about how everything went.
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| Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
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6:12 pm
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Well, today was supposed to be the day that my parents took me to the doctors, and nothing's happened yet. I don't know whether they've forgotten or if they're just biding their time. Whatever it is, I'm not complaining.
I'm at 90 or 91lbs right now. I want to get to the 80's so bad, almost there.
I hate my family. I know thats kinda random but I don't care. I'm not in a good mood...
current music: strokes - first impressions of earth
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| Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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6:51 pm
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I've had exams this week, English last Thursday and Geography today. I really messed up English, ran out of time and it upset me because I need top marks to get into university, so I got a bit stressed out. Today was much better, but when I told my dad how it went he was all 'I'm not going to get involved with your exams, you get too stressed out and stupid over them.' Well, I'm sorry for wanting to do well! Then he says you should be more like Jonathan (my brother ), because he doesn't let things get to him and he just enjoys life. So, basically, to get a little attention or praise in this family, I need to not give a fuck about education or my future and just fail everything, like he does. I feel so ignored in this family, I try so hard to do well and it's like, 'So what?' Fucking families...
current mood:  annoyed
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| Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
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1:09 pm
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Today I'm being threatened with the doctors again. All that happened was I was trying to avoid dinner but my dad's home and they're force-feeding me at the minute, so I had to have something. I had a few slices of hot-cross-bun loaf ( only 80 cals a slice, which isn't too awful )but because I refused to butter it he went ballistic. He said things like 'You're obsessed with your weight,' 'You worry about putting a quarter of an ounze on' and he said this to me 'You really do need to get a life.' I couldn't believe that, I mean, I know what I'm doing to myself and my common sense tells me it's wrong but have a little more fucking sense than to say that! So he threatened to take me to the doctors and I'm scared because they'll make me gain weight and I really don't want to. I'm not ready to recover, maybe one day I will be but not now...
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| Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
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6:47 pm
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12:40 pm
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Am currently studying ( or supposed to be ) for my english literature exam on thursday. Am also watching E!'s golden globe show, lol.
When I used to wake up my stomach used to be flat and from the side I looked OK, (yes, every morning I have to wake up and analyse myself in three different mirrors to check that I looked the same as yesterday) and now I think I look much wider than before, even though I've lost weight. I think my self-perception has gotten worse as I've lost weight. It's crazy, I don't even have a target anymore, I just want to go as low as I can. Is anyone else like that? When I started dieting I had targets but as I passed them I just wanted to go on and on. Sorry about my rants, apologies if I've bored you all, lol.
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| Monday, January 16th, 2006
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10:00 am
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Ha, managed to avoid fattening takeaways last night!! My parents still made me eat proper dinner though, but today they've gone out so no breakfast for me today ( i left a cereal bowl out with a few pieces of cereal in it, some milk and sugar to make them think I ate something ), and I don't know about dinner yet. I used to just eat two slices of ham ( only 18 calories per slice!) and that was it. I'll try and do that again today.
My friend's having a birthday party next week and I want to lose weight for that. No idea what to wear yet. I'll be down to 91pounds by then at least, wish me luck!
( My thinspiration )
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| Sunday, January 15th, 2006
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10:51 am
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Aaaargh my parents want to have a Chinese Takeaway for dinner tonight. They're doing this to me on purpose, they want me to be fat
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10:36 am
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Yay, measured myself this morning and have lost half an inch from my waist!!
New stats Bust - 28
Waist - 22 1/2
Hips - 33
My hips look so much wider than that though. I hate them
Was made to eat breakfast this morning, but then went upstairs and exercised for ages, hope I worked most of it off.
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